A Little Too Not Over You
by andersex
Summary: He tries his best to live without her, but he just can't get over her. Chuck/Blair, Slight Dan/Serena and Dan/Blair. "I turn around, you're with him now", "Tell me why you're so hard to forget", "I'm not over it"


_It never crossed my mind at all.  
It's what I tell myself.  
_

He closed his eyes and lay back on the bed in Suite 1812, very unimpressed with life as a whole. Whatever fate had decided to royally fuck him over as of late was currently on his shit list, and he was determined to find a way to get revenge. Whoever had decided that it was socially acceptable, or even borderline acceptable, for Lily van de Woodsen-Bass-whatever to move in with and share living space with Rufus Humphrey and co was obviously uninformed of the family dynamics that were sure to go haywire with this discovery.

First you have Jenny Humphrey, perky little blonde who had been a forced conquest of his at the beginning of the year that had fallen through…and then you have her brother Dan, or Brooklyn, but he wasn't drunk enough to even consider thinking about him, not now and possibly not ever.

He couldn't deal with it.

_What we had has come and gone.  
_

He could accept the fact that Blair would eventually move on and date someone else, because it was Blair Waldorf and anyone would be lucky to get a chance with her. He hated himself every single minute of every single day for fucking up his relationship with her. He hated that he was never able to get the words to ooze out of his mouth when he wanted to, especially since the hateful words always seemed to be able to slide out of his mouth. All the hateful words he had ever said to her always ran through his mind, making him realize over and over again how much he didn't deserve all of the chances that she had given him, chances he had only received because she was a caring person who was actually capable of love. She probably thought that he was incapable of love, he thought bitterly to himself as he fingered the empty glass of scotch that was sitting next to him. She had no idea how much he loved her, because he had never been able to convey it in words. It was a genetic Bass trait; they were horrible at expressions of love.

He knew that she would move on eventually, but he had no idea that it would be this quickly, and with the one person that he could truly say that he hated.

_You're better off with someone else._

She was better off with someone else, but did it really have to be Dan Humphrey?

_It's for the best, I know it is._

He was glad that she was happy…well sometimes, but he hated the fact that she was so happy with someone who was not himself.

_But I see you.  
Sometimes I try to hide  
what I feel inside,_

She had come to him about three weeks after they had finally parted ways in the elevator outside of her house. He had thought that if he gave her some space she might realize that he truly was sorry and that he did love her, in his Chuck Bass kind of way. However, she didn't realize it; and only came to talk to him because she wanted him to know that she was seeing someone else. She didn't think that he would want to find out from Gossip Girl. He couldn't help but laugh when she had told him that while standing in the hallway outside of 1812, wearing that stupid necklace he had bought her for her 17th birthday, back when the butterflies had fluttered and the kisses had been sweet and enough to make her happy. Before he had ultimately ruined her life and his along with it…because no matter what happened in their relationship, it was almost always his fault. He was a Bass, fucking up is what they do best.

_  
And I turn around._

She just came out and said it, she was seeing someone else. He didn't ask who, she didn't tell. He didn't want to know, didn't think he could handle it.

Now he wished that he had asked. It would have made things so much easier in the long run.

_You're with him now.  
I just can't figure it out._

The day had started out normal, nothing to signify that this day would end up turning his life upside down. He had gone to school, came home, discussed the daily running of Bass Industries with Lily, and locked himself in his bedroom planning on drowning himself in scotch to try and forget the way she made his stomach flutter. Serena had entered the room, saying that supper was ready and that he needed to go get Dan. He had wanted to throw something at her, he hated attending the family dinners; he never felt like he belonged and Rufus always tried to parent him and it was getting old. He wished that Serena and Brooklyn would just get back together so that she would be the one to get him to go to dinner. He was Chuck Bass; he didn't like doing things that had no purpose. As he had approached Dan's door he had heard the laugh that had ultimately shattered the remnants of his breaking heart.

There had been rumors that Dan had a new girlfriend, but he had been pretty secretive about it, especially since the whole affair with Miss Carr had ended so badly in the end. Chuck had pretty much assumed that Brooklyn had finally got together with his friend; the one Nate had been dating whose name he could never remember, and was shocked and heartbroken when he heard that small laugh.

That laugh was familiar, it belonged to Blair Waldorf.

_Tell me why you're so hard to forget.  
Don't remind me, I'm not over it._

She attended all of the family diners now, Rufus and Dan insisted on it. He could hardly stand to sit there and watch them all play the part of the happy family. He wasn't completely alone in his misery, Serena was as equally miserable as he was. When it got particularly hard to deal with, she was always there for him and he was always there for her; no matter how much they hated each other.

He didn't feel bad about their arrangement, no shame or remorse, because he knew that when they were together she was thinking of Dan, and that he was always thinking of Blair.  
_  
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.  
I'm just a little too not over you._

He didn't love Blair, not anymore  
_  
not over you...._

…well, at least that was the lie he kept telling himself just to make it through the days__

Memories, supposed to fade.  
What's wrong with my heart?

Some nights he would wake up in the middle of the night, hyperventilating and panicking without knowing why. Subconsciously, he knew that he was still going through the pain of losing her, of being without her. It killed him everyday that he didn't have her in his life, even though it had been over a year since they had really been together.

On the good days, he could almost convince himself that he didn't love her, just the idea of there being someone out there who loved him as infinitely as she had loved him.  
_  
Shake it off, let it go.  
Didn't think it'd be this hard._

Then the memories of her holding him as he cried that night after his father's wake would invade his brain and it would hit him as an absolute truth again and again.

He would never get over Blair Waldorf.

_Should be strong, moving' on._

He would see her when he closed his eyes, and see her when they were open. He couldn't escape her, and subconsciously he didn't want to escape her. She was his drug and he was addicted, and he wasn't alone.

He had done his best to move on, had left the Humphrey suite in the plaza after Lily and Rufus had gotten married. He couldn't stay there any more, not with so much love circulating around him. He had moved back into Suite 1812, bringing a just as broken Serena with him. She was going to the local university, but was pretty much failing out because she couldn't find the motivation to go to class. She was considering a career in the modeling business because she wanted to keep busy, to try to avoid the demons that plagued her mind. He threw himself into Bass Inc, but they both couldn't get over their true loves, which was ironic because they were the two people out of the non judging breakfast club who were the least likely to ever truly fall in love.

_But I see you.  
Sometimes I try to hide  
What I feel inside._

Blair and Dan got engaged 2 months after Lily and Rufus got married, during their second year at Yale. They were having the perfect life that he had always envisioned himself and Blair getting to have together, someday. They were going to get the white picket fence, two and a half kids, happy ever after ending that he had always hoped he would someday, somehow get to have with her…

It killed him everyday, and for the most part he had no idea why he kept going on.  
_  
And I turn around,  
You're with him now._

He attended their wedding, sitting with the family as the two of them pledged to love each other eternally. That was the same night he proposed to Serena, because both of them knew that they were way too fucked up to ever find someone else to spend their lives with. They just couldn't move on, couldn't get past this.  
_  
I just can't figure it out._

He still doesn't know how she could have given up on him so easily__

Tell me why you're so hard to forget.  
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.

It's been ten years since they were together, and now Blair and Dan are both living blissfully with their two children, two dogs and their happily ever after back in Manhattan.

Chuck is living alone in Suite 1812, because Serena killed herself 2 years ago.

She couldn't deal with it anymore.  
_  
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.  
I'm just a little too not over you._

He doesn't know how much longer he can front the façade.__

Maybe I regret everything I said,  
No way to take it all back, yeah...

It's been 15 years, but the words that he's uttered to her over the years still resound through his head.

**"I don't want you anymore"**

"Then you will never have me"

"Stop trying to play the wife"

"Are you going to say you love me again?"

He wonders what would have happened if he had just let her in, if he had let her help him fight the raging wars inside of him…but instead he pushed her away, right into the waiting arms of Dan Humphrey. __

Now I'm on my own  
How I let you go, I'll never understand.  
I'll never understand, yeah

It's been 20 years and he doesn't think he can do it anymore. He sold the company which has been the only good and constant thing in his life for the past decade of his life. He isn't even 40 yet, but he feels as if he's lived twenty lifetimes.

He can't stay there anymore; her daughter is his new intern.  
_  
Tell me why you're so hard to forget.  
Don't remind me, I'm not over it._

Every day without her is like an eternity without sunlight.

_Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.  
I'm just a little too not over you._

He couldn't do it anymore; everyone that he ever thought about amicably is dead. Lily died three weeks ago, and although he didn't like admitting it, she was probably the only reason that he had lasted as long as he did.

He fingered the revolver lying gently in the palm of his hand as he wrapped his signature scarf around his neck, a scarf he hadn't worn since the day she had walked out of his life.

She had given it to him, it was only appropriate that he wear it now.

He laughed loudly and violently, aware that it was the first time he had laughed in over 23 years. The only response to his laugher was the sound of a gun being shot off, and the slump of a body hitting the ground in Suite 1812. __

Tell me why you're so hard to forget.  
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.

She stood outside of the church, avoiding her husbands gaze as she rested her hands on her swollen stomach. She was seven and a half months pregnant with the newest additions to their ever growing family, twin boys. She knew the tears were lingering in the back of her eyes but she couldn't let them fall, she didn't deserve to feel the relief that shedding those tears would give her.

This was all her fault.

Everything was her fault.  
She had ruined him, ruined everything.

Her best friend was dead because she couldn't admit the truth.  
Her husband was living a lie because she couldn't admit the truth.  
They were both living a nightmare because they hadn't been able to deal with the truth.

They had ruined everything, and there was no going back.  
They had both been too afraid to open up their hearts, and had chosen the safe path instead of the one that would have made everyone live happily ever after.  
_  
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.  
And I really don't know what to do.  
I'm just a little too not over you.  
Not over you._

She would never be over Chuck Bass, and it killed her everyday.

Just as it had killed him.


End file.
